CHINESE PROVERBS:

 
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get a good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four ball cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best things on earth.

(My Favorite-à)War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left!

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to make crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget (little person).
Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Barbra Streisand Were President:

10. State of the Union Address features five costume changes
9. Trillion-dollar military contracts awarded to Aamco Transmissions
8. Secretary of the Navy re-named "Prince of Tides"
7. First time since Ford that a president has performed a duet with Neil Diamond
6. Statue of Liberty's nose made twice as big
5. President blows off Russian summit for two-week gig at the MGM Grand
4. Marvin Hamlisch brought in to make Constitution "peppier"
3. When she enters room, marine band strikes up "Hello Dolly"
2. Common headline: "Security Briefing Ends In Diva Fit"
1. United States declares war on cellulite
~~~ In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin
Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he has bounced off of five
buildings.

~~~ Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
while... it isn't so hot.

~~~ I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

~~~ If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't
tell who the sucker is, it's you.

~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

~~~ I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.

~~~ According to ady happened.

~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a barbecue?

~~~ Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

~~~ You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor show, Georgia is planning to do its
own, entitled "Survivor, South GA Style".

The contestants will start in Atlanta, travel to Macon, Warner Robins,
Tifton, over to Enigma, Willacoochee and down to Hahira, Lake Park and
Valdosta. They will then proceed to Homerville, Waycross, Blackshear,
Hinesville and Nahunta. From there, they'll travel to Savannah, Augusta
and finally back to Atlanta.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm
gay, vegetarian, voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Atlanta alive wins.
Not that any of us partake...

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989
Students at a Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with
a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started
the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't
get disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in
the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in
his mouth and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his
students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns! ,
sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing
it. When everyone finished the  Professor looked at them and told them:
"The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger
and sucked the index." Pay attention people.
Cute Joke :)

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you!

We've been waiting for you! Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled L-O-V-E and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said.

"How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.

And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."
A Touching Story (This one is worth reading through to the end, I Promise)

Right before Christmas I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then.

It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later.

So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Signed,

Kenneth Lay
Enron CEO

June 2017

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